Caught up

 Lately, I have been caught up in everyone else being able to live their life, while I am not in it. I get caught up in how everyone else's life can continue to move forward, while I am stuck in bed. Sometimes it is hard to speak to friends, because then they see you as pitying yourself or just being lazy. It hards finding the words to vocalize how you feel, because once you seem to have found the words, they sound more like excuses to someone else. I get caught up on the lack of invites, texts, and relationships, that it turns into my worth. Since my life right now is unsuccessful, I have a failed relationship, I have poor grades, I am a waitress. To society, I am labeled as a no good. Behind, all those negatives, I try to find where I tried. In my relationships, I tried to love them the best I could, whether they needed to walk away or I needed to walk away. I tried to do good in school, but time management with three jobs year round get tiring. I try to have mercy on myself, where people do not see how hard I have been trying. 

I do have triggers. Being told specific words regarding time, value, being unwanted or unwelcome, are all words that cause me to tremble under my own anxiety. I have been that person that has been having to watch YOUTUBE videos regarding purpose, focusing on yourself, how to stop over thinking. I feel lame. I feel difficult. I feel misunderstood by my own self. I hope someone out there reads all my words that write over my life and finds some sense of meaning. 

Someone once told me people do not want to be friends with me because of how I am when I am depressed. I felt like Meredith Grey wanting to say ,"You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore." But instead of a whore, depressed. 

I get caught about how people react, how people view me, how people talk to me, how people live without me. 

I get caught up in how lonely, unsuccessful, miserable, sad, friendless I am that I forget to see what I have all around me. 

I sometimes do not know what to do with all these feelings of sadness and despair. It gets hard to maintain and even harder to see that people do not want to be around me. People get to pick and choose who they want in their life. It can be overwhelming that I am not the one that they want or choose. 

Even if I vocalize, people are overwhelmed by my sadness that they choose to better themselves and walk away. Am I mad at their choice? no, I saddened. I am saddened that I am the way I am. I begin to get caught up hating who I am.