Lost Love

 I have been reading this book called The Silent Patient, at first I did not think this book would entirely interest me or relate to me. However, to my surprise, it resonates with me. In a sense, I feel as though I am the narrator. I might not be married, a male, or be a therapist, but his story reminds me of my present. I feel alone, wishing I was loved. The word abandonment appears in my thoughts often. I wonder how people think of, how they learn to forget me, how they want me or do not want me in their life. It makes me sad and overwhelmed at times to be consumed by these thoughts. I have been the problem and maybe still am the problem. I let my past become my present and future. I push people away with the love I have always desired by over sharing, overbearing, and placing my worth into friendships and people. Here I am day 2 of rebooting and trying to reconcile with my past. I am hear waiting to be loved by the right people, but at first that starts with myself. I have always been one to say " you don't need to love yourself to love other people", but here I am to say I was wrong.  I need to love myself or I begin to push my anxiety, pain, depression, grief all on certain people. I wish I was able to apologize enough. I wish I was able to start all over like it never happened. Yet here I am,  lost the loves of my life, but I think the main love I lost was the one for myself. Who am I? A girl, who thinks people hate her. A girl who hates herself. A girl who fights to wake up in the morning, just to rush by the mirror so I do not have to the horror of who I think I am. I am consumed by my wonders and curiosity and paranoia of what people perceive of me. I always want to be liked, welcomed, wanted, loved. I want to remembered. Yet again, today I feel forgotten, feel left out, feel invisible. The root cause is a hard pill to swallow. Do I blame people for leaving or walking away or blocking? No. I understand becauses some days I want to do the exact same thing to myself. I was to step away from my reality and live the life I always wanted. In this reboot, I am encouraging myself to find me and the life that I want. I want to be respected and love, yet I do not respect myself. Why do I expect other people to want me and respect me if I cannot do the same for myself. I wish and pray the best for those who have walked away. Right now, it might sting for me with the sense of loneliness. But I am proud of those who did what they needed to do to have peace in their life. It is time that I did the same.